Wednesday, March 31, 2010

My Two Census

(Posted by Traci Skene)

The U.S. Census Bureau is as crafty as a pedophile at a playground. They offer you puppies and candy (or, the their case, Ed Begley JR. commercials and colored graphics that look like hand turkeys) then threaten you with harm if you don't comply.

I decided today to fill out my 2010 Census even though I think the government has no right to know if I'm Guamanian or Chamorro.

So far, I haven't made it past question one.
1. How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?
April 1, 2010 isn't until tomorrow. What if I write "2" but then my husband leaves me tonight? Perhaps the first question should be, "How many time machines do you have parked in your garage?"

The official motto for the 2010 Census is "It's in our hands" but the tag lines vary according to the communities being targeted.
For General Usage, the following tagline is used: This is your future. Don't leave it blank.

For use in African American communities, the tagline is: This is our future. Don't leave it blank.
So, instead of asking us our race, why don't they say, "Does Person 1 prefer the word your or our?"

I'm white, so I guess I'm in the "your" category. Although, why Hispanics prefer "Es nuestro futuro. Hágase contar" to the Puerto Rican "No dejes tu futuro en blanco" is a mystery. Only the government knows.

Your tax dollars at work. Oh wait, unless you're "Black, African Am., or Negro" and then it's "Our tax dollars at work."

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Crazy Uncle Joe gets near a mike... again!

Posted by Ellen Karis:
First mistake: They let "Crazy Uncle Joe" speak.

Second mistake: They let Crazy Uncle Joe speak all miked up?

Ah, yes, Crazy Uncle Joe managed to say the F-word to introduce what his boss has been dreaming about since he founded the Saul Alinsky Fan Club back at Columbia.

Way to class up the joint, Unc!

Not only did he use the F-word, but he referred to a monumental change in the lives of 350 million Americans as a "Big F*#^ deal."

It's as if he just figured out how to play Texas hold'em in Atlantic City.

Here’s my suggestion to Uncle Jo: Now that we know global warming is really global cooling, we don't want you to have to brave the cruel DC winter weather so, why don't you pack up the missus and all the trophies you earned from playing high school football and head south to central Florida.

There's a lot of real estate for sale and, who knows, maybe you'll even pick up a great "Big F*#^ deal" in "America's Friendliest Hometown!"

Friday, March 19, 2010

Speak truth to power? Has to be the right kind of power.

Posted by Brian McKim

If I may be serious for just a moment.

Website Volokh Conspiracy (a "group blog" staffed mainly by law professors) has this insight into the latest Rasmussen poll results that show President Obama's approval rating at 43 per cent, the same as President's George W. Bush's approval rating upon leaving office:
Imagine how unpopular Obama would be if the press and the late night comedians (who are at least as important as the press) treated Obama as they treated Bush.
Emphasis mine.

Law professors know how important the late night comedians are. Too bad the fawning press didn't and still don't.

We moaned about this-- the maddening reluctance of late night comedians to joke about Obama the candidate and Obama the President-- at SHECKYmagazine in multiple postings.

The comedians in the clubs haven't been much better about ribbing the man in the White House. (Many of them are still making Bush jokes!)

Maybe they'll wake up after that "earthquake in Hawaii" comment. (Although we don't have much hope considering the deafening silence after the "57 states" gaffe.)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Phillly Soda Tax Proposed by "Nutter."

(Posted by Traci Skene)

Philadelphia's Mayor has perhaps the greatest name for a Democrat politician... Nutter. They should all be named Nutter. President Nutter. Governor Nutter. Speaker of the House Nutter. In fact, the only way I'd ever put a Democrat bumper sticker on my car is if is said Nutter/Nutter 2012.

Mayor Nutter's most recent nutty idea, is to close the budget gap by taxing soda and other sugary drinks. The "Soda Tax" would be two cents per ounce. Since most Americans never learned the metric system, we'll just have to guess at how much extra money it'll cost for a two liter bottle.

Mayor Nutter says that he needs the revenue to close a $150 million shortfall in the city's budget. At two cents an ounce Philadelphians would need to pound down 625 million 12 oz. cans of soda pop per year. That's 446 cans of sugared beverages for every man, woman and child in the city. (I am a product of the Philadelphia public school system so my math could be waaaaaaaaaaay off.)

Additionally, Nutter claims the tax will help fight childhood obesity. Have they considered taxing "fat kids" two cents per every ounce over their ideal weight? I think we'd reach that magic $150 million a lot faster. To quote Ed McMahon, "Timpani!"

If this tax becomes a reality, I can imagine the Kool-Aid dude busting through a wall yelling, "Oh yeah! I'm here to quench your thirst, close the budget shortfall, fight childhood obesity and protect the most vulnerable among us!"

Monday, March 15, 2010

Newest Fashion Accessory on Capitol Hill

Posted by Brian McKim

It's the latest must-have accessory on The Hill: The Democrat National Committee Arm Sling! It's available for only $7.92 if you act now!

Here's the description from the website:
Provides General Arm Support and Restricts Movement to Assist In Healing Sore Or Injured Arms and Elbows which may be injured while House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA 8th) twists arms in an effort to muster support for a bill that the majority of Americans don't want. Helps Stabilize Arm to Relieve Pain and Prevent Re-Injury. Adjustable Padded Shoulder Strap For Custom Fit. Lightweight and Breathable Materials For Comfortable All-Day Wear. Supports Left Or Right Arm.
But mostly... you know... left arms.

Act now! Once Health Care Reform passes, these babies will be federally subsidized and the price will skyrocket to about $60 or $70 a piece! (You do remember those $600 toilet seats and $400 hammers, don't you?)

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Bad Perms Cause Jihad

Posted by Traci Skene

A second "Jihad Jane" has been arrested. That's Jamie Paulin-Ramirez on the left. She's the second "Blond Bomber" to be arrested this week. The first, Colleen LaRose, is on the right. We detect a pattern. Folks have been speculating about what it is that could drive two American women to support jihad. Obviously, it's the chemicals from the perm.

Homeland Security needs to monitor beauty parlors and the hair care section at Walmart. (On second thought, strike that part about the parlor... neither of these two have been to a salon since their senior prom.)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Obama's Top Ten Accomplishments

Posted by Jim Mendrinos

Like most of my conservative brethren I have been accused of being unduly harsh on our president. So with an air of fairness and bipartisanship inspired by our president's bipartisanship, I now present: The Top 10 Accomplishments of the Obama Administration

10. Accepting Desiree Rogers' resignation.

9. Calling Kanye West a Jackass.

8. Spending so much it makes Republicans nostalgic for "sane Democrats" like Bill Clinton.

7. Two words: Beer Summit.

6. Bringing the bow back into fashion.

5. Bringing moat building back into fashion.

4. Allowing more Americans to stay in college because there are no more entry level jobs for recent grads.

3. Accepting Van Jones' Resignation.

2. Making Jimmy Carter look conservative by comparison.

1. Stimulating economic growth in one key industry: The Teleprompter manufacturing section.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Hey, Sean Penn...

Posted by Brian McKim

It's all over the internet-- Sean Penn wants some sort of lines to be drawn when it comes to just what journalists can and cannot say about Hugo Chavez.

Now follow us, if you can... it gets a little tricky here.

Sean Penn is buddies with the president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez. In the time that Mr. Chavez has been in power he's revoked the license of Venezuela's second largest television network, he's imprisoned opposition figures, he's nationalized entire sectors of the economy, he's tried to make himself president for life.

Sean Penn sees all of this going on and, after a chat or two on the phone with Hugo and a visit to Venezuela, he says that any journalist who calls his homey Hugo a "dictator" should be jailed.
"Every day, this elected leader is called a dictator here, and we just accept it, and accept it" said Penn, winner of two Best Actor Academy Awards. "And this is mainstream media, who should -- truly, there should be a bar by which one goes to prison for these kinds of lies."
We can understand Penn. He's being protective of his pal Hugo. After all, Hugo understands Penn. Hugo called Sean Penn "well-informed about what is happening in the United States and the world, in spite of being in Hollywood." (Although, it's obvious from the quote that even Chavez knows that the folks in Hollywood are largely full of the brown stuff. So this is kind of a backhanded compliment!)

What we have here is... failure to communicate. We are not all of us on the same page when it comes to the definition of what is a dictator. (Of course, we're all not on the same page when it comes to just what freedom of the press is all about, but we'll leave that discussion for another day.)

Monday, March 8, 2010

It's Curtains For Congress

(Posted by Traci Skene)

Move over Howard Stern! The new King of Controversial Radio is Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY).

During a recent interview with WKPQ-AM, Massa, who has been accused of sexually harassing a male staffer (and, let's face it, the only men in Congress who haven't been accused of sexually harassing a male staffer have been accused of sexually harassing a female staffer) let rip with a tirade against his fellow Democrats, which included calling Rahm Emanuel "son of the devil's spawn." (Which, I guess, would make Emmanuel a third generation devil or Satan III.)

Of all the Republican chum tossed out by the supremely irate Massa, it was the revelation that the Congressional gym doesn't have shower curtains which shocked me the most.

This is a disgrace! Is the economy so bad that the greatest nation on the planet can't afford to hide the naughty bits of our elected officials?!

That's why I'm starting a campaign called It's Curtains For Congress.

I'm encouraging Americans to send shower curtains to each one of the 435 member of the House of Representatives.

Think of it as the first step to restoring dignity to Washington.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

You don't need a weatherman...

... to know which way the wind blows.

See below for the 243-day forecast for the U.S. and surrounding areas.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Mendrinos posts to Fox's Team Washington blog

Click on the image below to check out some of Jim Mendrinos' videos! That's Jim Mendrinos of! Who is also Jim Mendrinos of! There's a bunch of 'em!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Lindsey Vs. Lindsay

Posted by Traci Skene

While Senator Lindsey Graham(R-SC) is using the idiotic youth of America to justify his support for Cap and Trade, actress and idiotic youth of America spokesperson, Lindsay Lohan probably thinks Cap and Trade is the name of a used clothing store.

So, who is a more ridiculous human being? Lindsey Graham or Lindsay Lohan?

Lindsey: I have been to enough college campuses to know if you are 30 or younger this climate issue is not a debate. It's a value.

Lindsay: As sick as it sounds, a reality show might help, actually. At least then people could get the truth.

Lindsey: These young people grew up with recycling and a sensitivity to the environment-- and the world will be better off for it.

Lindsay: I'm not that girl from Freaky Friday any more! I'm a real adult. In fact, I hate children! I hate them all!

Lindsey: They are not brainwashed... From a Republican point of view, we should buy into it and embrace it and not belittle them. You can have a genuine debate about the science of climate change, but when you say that those who believe it are buying a hoax and are wacky people you are putting at risk your party’s future with younger people.

Lindsay: Sometimes being that thin doesn't look healthy. I kind of didn't realize that.

The clear winner in the idiot contest: Lindsey Graham. Only because he should know better.