My Two Census

(Posted by Traci Skene)

The U.S. Census Bureau is as crafty as a pedophile at a playground. They offer you puppies and candy (or, the their case, Ed Begley JR. commercials and colored graphics that look like hand turkeys) then threaten you with harm if you don't comply.

I decided today to fill out my 2010 Census even though I think the government has no right to know if I'm Guamanian or Chamorro.

So far, I haven't made it past question one.

1. How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?

April 1, 2010 isn't until tomorrow. What if I write "2" but then my husband leaves me tonight? Perhaps the first question should be, "How many time machines do you have parked in your garage?"

The official motto for the 2010 Census is "It's in our hands" but the tag lines vary according to the communities being targeted.

For General Usage, the following tagline is used: This is your future. Don't leave it blank.

For use in African American communities, the tagline is: This is our future. Don't leave it blank.

So, instead of asking us our race, why don't they say, "Does Person 1 prefer the word your or our?"

I'm white, so I guess I'm in the "your" category. Although, why Hispanics prefer "Es nuestro futuro. Hágase contar" to the Puerto Rican "No dejes tu futuro en blanco" is a mystery. Only the government knows.

Your tax dollars at work. Oh wait, unless you're "Black, African Am., or Negro" and then it's "Our tax dollars at work."

Crazy Uncle Joe gets near a mike... again!

Posted by Ellen Karis:

First mistake: They let "Crazy Uncle Joe" speak.

Second mistake: They let Crazy Uncle Joe speak all miked up?

Ah, yes, Crazy Uncle Joe managed to say the F-word to introduce what his boss has been dreaming about since he founded the Saul Alinsky Fan Club back at Columbia.

Way to class up the joint, Unc!

Not only did he use the F-word, but he referred to a monumental change in the lives of 350 million Americans as a "Big F*#^ deal."

It's as if he just figured out how to play Texas hold'em in Atlantic City.

Here’s my suggestion to Uncle Jo: Now that we know global warming is really global cooling, we don't want you to have to brave the cruel DC winter weather so, why don't you pack up the missus and all the trophies you earned from playing high school football and head south to central Florida.

There's a lot of real estate for sale and, who knows, maybe you'll even pick up a great "Big F*#^ deal" in "America's Friendliest Hometown!"

Speak truth to power? Has to be the right kind of power.

Posted by Brian McKim

If I may be serious for just a moment.

Website Volokh Conspiracy (a "group blog" staffed mainly by law professors) has this insight into the latest Rasmussen poll results that show President Obama's approval rating at 43 per cent, the same as President's George W. Bush's approval rating upon leaving office:

Imagine how unpopular Obama would be if the press and the late night comedians (who are at least as important as the press) treated Obama as they treated Bush.

Emphasis mine.

Law professors know how important the late night comedians are. Too bad the fawning press didn't and still don't.

We moaned about this-- the maddening reluctance of late night comedians to joke about Obama the candidate and Obama the President-- at SHECKYmagazine in multiple postings.

The comedians in the clubs haven't been much better about ribbing the man in the White House. (Many of them are still making Bush jokes!)

Maybe they'll wake up after that "earthquake in Hawaii" comment. (Although we don't have much hope considering the deafening silence after the "57 states" gaffe.)

Phillly Soda Tax Proposed by "Nutter."

(Posted by Traci Skene)

Philadelphia's Mayor has perhaps the greatest name for a Democrat politician... Nutter. They should all be named Nutter. President Nutter. Governor Nutter. Speaker of the House Nutter. In fact, the only way I'd ever put a Democrat bumper sticker on my car is if is said Nutter/Nutter 2012.

Mayor Nutter's most recent nutty idea, is to close the budget gap by taxing soda and other sugary drinks. The "Soda Tax" would be two cents per ounce. Since most Americans never learned the metric system, we'll just have to guess at how much extra money it'll cost for a two liter bottle.



Mayor Nutter says that he needs the revenue to close a $150 million shortfall in the city's budget. At two cents an ounce Philadelphians would need to pound down 625 million 12 oz. cans of soda pop per year. That's 446 cans of sugared beverages for every man, woman and child in the city. (I am a product of the Philadelphia public school system so my math could be waaaaaaaaaaay off.)

Additionally, Nutter claims the tax will help fight childhood obesity. Have they considered taxing "fat kids" two cents per every ounce over their ideal weight? I think we'd reach that magic $150 million a lot faster. To quote Ed McMahon, "Timpani!"

If this tax becomes a reality, I can imagine the Kool-Aid dude busting through a wall yelling, "Oh yeah! I'm here to quench your thirst, close the budget shortfall, fight childhood obesity and protect the most vulnerable among us!"

Newest Fashion Accessory on Capitol Hill

Posted by Brian McKim

It's the latest must-have accessory on The Hill: The Democrat National Committee Arm Sling! It's available for only $7.92 if you act now!

Here's the description from the DNC.com website:

Provides General Arm Support and Restricts Movement to Assist In Healing Sore Or Injured Arms and Elbows which may be injured while House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA 8th) twists arms in an effort to muster support for a bill that the majority of Americans don't want. Helps Stabilize Arm to Relieve Pain and Prevent Re-Injury. Adjustable Padded Shoulder Strap For Custom Fit. Lightweight and Breathable Materials For Comfortable All-Day Wear. Supports Left Or Right Arm.

But mostly... you know... left arms.

Act now! Once Health Care Reform passes, these babies will be federally subsidized and the price will skyrocket to about $60 or $70 a piece! (You do remember those $600 toilet seats and $400 hammers, don't you?)

Bad Perms Cause Jihad

Posted by Traci Skene

A second "Jihad Jane" has been arrested. That's Jamie Paulin-Ramirez on the left. She's the second "Blond Bomber" to be arrested this week. The first, Colleen LaRose, is on the right. We detect a pattern. Folks have been speculating about what it is that could drive two American women to support jihad. Obviously, it's the chemicals from the perm.

Homeland Security needs to monitor beauty parlors and the hair care section at Walmart. (On second thought, strike that part about the parlor... neither of these two have been to a salon since their senior prom.)

Obama's Top Ten Accomplishments

Posted by Jim Mendrinos

Like most of my conservative brethren I have been accused of being unduly harsh on our president. So with an air of fairness and bipartisanship inspired by our president's bipartisanship, I now present: The Top 10 Accomplishments of the Obama Administration

10. Accepting Desiree Rogers' resignation.

9. Calling Kanye West a Jackass.

8. Spending so much it makes Republicans nostalgic for "sane Democrats" like Bill Clinton.

7. Two words: Beer Summit.

6. Bringing the bow back into fashion.

5. Bringing moat building back into fashion.

4. Allowing more Americans to stay in college because there are no more entry level jobs for recent grads.

3. Accepting Van Jones' Resignation.

2. Making Jimmy Carter look conservative by comparison.

1. Stimulating economic growth in one key industry: The Teleprompter manufacturing section.

Hey, Sean Penn...

Posted by Brian McKim

It's all over the internet-- Sean Penn wants some sort of lines to be drawn when it comes to just what journalists can and cannot say about Hugo Chavez.

Now follow us, if you can... it gets a little tricky here.

Sean Penn is buddies with the president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez. In the time that Mr. Chavez has been in power he's revoked the license of Venezuela's second largest television network, he's imprisoned opposition figures, he's nationalized entire sectors of the economy, he's tried to make himself president for life.

Sean Penn sees all of this going on and, after a chat or two on the phone with Hugo and a visit to Venezuela, he says that any journalist who calls his homey Hugo a "dictator" should be jailed.

"Every day, this elected leader is called a dictator here, and we just accept it, and accept it" said Penn, winner of two Best Actor Academy Awards. "And this is mainstream media, who should -- truly, there should be a bar by which one goes to prison for these kinds of lies."

We can understand Penn. He's being protective of his pal Hugo. After all, Hugo understands Penn. Hugo called Sean Penn "well-informed about what is happening in the United States and the world, in spite of being in Hollywood." (Although, it's obvious from the quote that even Chavez knows that the folks in Hollywood are largely full of the brown stuff. So this is kind of a backhanded compliment!)

What we have here is... failure to communicate. We are not all of us on the same page when it comes to the definition of what is a dictator. (Of course, we're all not on the same page when it comes to just what freedom of the press is all about, but we'll leave that discussion for another day.)

It's Curtains For Congress

(Posted by Traci Skene)

Move over Howard Stern! The new King of Controversial Radio is Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY).

During a recent interview with WKPQ-AM, Massa, who has been accused of sexually harassing a male staffer (and, let's face it, the only men in Congress who haven't been accused of sexually harassing a male staffer have been accused of sexually harassing a female staffer) let rip with a tirade against his fellow Democrats, which included calling Rahm Emanuel "son of the devil's spawn." (Which, I guess, would make Emmanuel a third generation devil or Satan III.)

Of all the Republican chum tossed out by the supremely irate Massa, it was the revelation that the Congressional gym doesn't have shower curtains which shocked me the most.

This is a disgrace! Is the economy so bad that the greatest nation on the planet can't afford to hide the naughty bits of our elected officials?!

That's why I'm starting a campaign called It's Curtains For Congress.

I'm encouraging Americans to send shower curtains to each one of the 435 member of the House of Representatives.

Think of it as the first step to restoring dignity to Washington.

You don't need a weatherman...

... to know which way the wind blows.

See below for the 243-day forecast for the U.S. and surrounding areas.

Mendrinos posts to Fox's Team Washington blog

Click on the image below to check out some of Jim Mendrinos' videos! That's Jim Mendrinos of GOPLaughs.com! Who is also Jim Mendrinos of FoxNews.com! There's a bunch of 'em!

Lindsey Vs. Lindsay

Posted by Traci Skene



While Senator Lindsey Graham(R-SC) is using the idiotic youth of America to justify his support for Cap and Trade, actress and idiotic youth of America spokesperson, Lindsay Lohan probably thinks Cap and Trade is the name of a used clothing store.

So, who is a more ridiculous human being? Lindsey Graham or Lindsay Lohan?

Lindsey: I have been to enough college campuses to know if you are 30 or younger this climate issue is not a debate. It's a value.

Lindsay: As sick as it sounds, a reality show might help, actually. At least then people could get the truth.

Lindsey: These young people grew up with recycling and a sensitivity to the environment-- and the world will be better off for it.

Lindsay: I'm not that girl from Freaky Friday any more! I'm a real adult. In fact, I hate children! I hate them all!

Lindsey: They are not brainwashed... From a Republican point of view, we should buy into it and embrace it and not belittle them. You can have a genuine debate about the science of climate change, but when you say that those who believe it are buying a hoax and are wacky people you are putting at risk your party’s future with younger people.

Lindsay: Sometimes being that thin doesn't look healthy. I kind of didn't realize that.

The clear winner in the idiot contest: Lindsey Graham. Only because he should know better.

Think of the tax revenue!

Posted by Brian McKim & Traci Skene

"Let's Move!" is First Lady Michelle Obama's program that aims "to solve the epidemic of childhood obesity within a generation."

The president had his first physical examination since taking office this morning. White House physician Jeffrey Kuhlman, in a role vaguely reminiscent of Punxatawney Phil, said that he foresees 17 more months of health-- Obama needn't submit to another exam until after his 50th birthday in August of 2011.

The 90-minute exam, conducted at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md., found that the 48-year-old Obama was in "excellent health."

Did he say, "excellent health?"

B-b-b-but... he smokes!?! He smokes cigarettes!?!?

Apparently, one can smoke deadly cancer sticks throughout one's life, wind up in a high-stress job, and, at the age of 48, be in "excellent health."

If Michelle Obama truly cared about the health of America's youth, perhaps she should create a separate program to get them puffing early and often! Maybe combine the two programs! After all, the POTUS is just shy of 180 lbs... maybe the key to curing childhood obesity is smoking!

GOPLaughs.com makes "The Week in Blogs" AGAIN!

This time, it was Brian McKim's "Sexiest RINO Alive"/People magazine cover mockup that was blessed by PJTV's Stephen Green as the "Photoshop of the Week!" (Welcome to all Vodkapundit readers!)

The Photoshop (again, actually made using an old Windows 98 version of MGI Photosuite!) was based on an idea by Traci Skene.

Reagan tried to make me go to rehab

Posted by T.J. McCormack

I remember the night I quit drinking. To paraphrase our president's pastor of 20 years, Jeremiah Wright, the chickens had come home to roost. He could have been doing play-by-play that night. My time was up! The partying, the hypocrisy, the hiding, the craziness-- it was going to be gone or I was going to lose my wife! But when you are in the throes of alcoholism, which naturally affects the way you think, it is not an easy step to give it up and get help. What does help is knowing you're about to lose everything.

My drinking had finally become too much for the people who care about me-- especially for Andrea, the love of my life. My wife was determined to fix her own life, and it was up to me to save mine. In order to do that she played dirty pool. That's how I thought of it in my gin-soaked brain at the time. The bitch! This is blackmail! I am fine. Just as I started playing the "I'll-stop-drinking-gin card," (which I considered a magnanimous concession), Andy struck the bullseye that made it impossible for me to stand myself any longer. She looked right into my eyes-- right into my soul. She went right to the hear of all that I had stood for, believed in, yelled at others about-- my entire platform as a Conservative American who accepts personal responsibility, doesn't need bigger government bailing him out at the expense others.

She said "You always talk about being a Conservative, about personal responsibility... What do you think Ronald Reagan would say about your behavior?"

Two days later I was in rehab.

Bipartisan Health Care Summit

Posted by Brian McKim


If you thought watching C-Span was boring... just imagine being on C-Span!

12 Million Americans...

Posted by Traci Skene

When it comes to math, I usually just pinch my own cheek and say, "Don't you worry your pretty little head about it." But, when faced with leaving an insulting tip for a surly waiter or a coupon worth an additional 15% off clearance items or a Rasmussen poll showing Congress only has a 10% approval rating among voters, I turn into a regular René Descartes.

A quick Google search revealed that America has 120 million registered voters. If 10% of them believe Congress is doing a good job (and how could anybody actually say Congress is doing a good job) that's a staggering 12 million people. Since there are only 435 Reps and 100 Senators, you would think only 535 people would actually say Congress is a-okay. Maybe the number would rise to 3000 or so if you factored in the parents, spouses and loved ones of those elected officials.

Another quick Google search using the term "12 Million Americans" gives a disturbing snapshot of who these Americans might be. Hey, if USA Today can draw ridiculous, unscientific conclusions from a shapeless pile of stats, so can we! I just wish I had a groovy multi-color pie chart to prove my point.

12 Million Americans still use dial-up.

12 Million Americans suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome.

12 Million Americans have been busted for marijuana possession.

12 Million Americans shop online during business conference calls.

12 Million Americans are truly miserable with no hope for the future.

12 Million Americans think that no stimulus dollars have been wasted.

12 Million Americans are gay or bisexual... only one puked on Susan Sarandon.

12 Million Americans are vegetarians.

12 Million Americans say they would never work for a Jew.

So, if you're one of the 12 million Americans who approve of the job Congress is doing, then you must be a luddite, hypochondriac, pot-smoking, rude, depressed, delusional, bi-sexual, vegetarian, anti-Semite. I think I just described Janeane Garofalo!

On newsstands tomorrow!

How to cover your Ann Coulter book

Posted by Brian McKim

Ann Coulter gets all kinds of eye-popping cash to absorb dirty looks and put up with invective hissed through clenched teeth.  But those of us who merely read her books  in public (and don't fatten our bank accounts doing so) shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior.  (She makes it difficult by slapping giant photos of herself on the front of each book-- very recognizable from 200 feet away.)

All we're trying to do is kill some time between shows or wile away 45 minutes at Gate B18 at the airport in Minneapolis.  (You can't just remove the flyleaf-- when was the last time you got through a flight without spilling something on your tray table?)

So... make your own cover!  What's that you say?  You don't remember how?  Here's a video we found on Youtube to show you the easy technique for covering any book by any hated right-wing author! (Just remember to answer, "Paper!" when they ask you "Paper or plastic?" at the grocery store!)

Of course, Plan B is to go to Goodwill and purchase anything by Al Franken or Howard Zinn which is equal to or greater in size to say, "The End of Racism" by Dinesh D'Souza-- strip off the flyleaf, toss the book, and slap that flyleaf on the "offending" rightwing bestseller!

T.S.A. hard at work swabbing granny

Posted by Traci Skene

We were waiting to board our flight out of Lehigh Valley International Airport (bound for Minneapolis--home of the infamous Larry Craig men's room) when, just before 6 AM, a gaggle of T.S.A. agents waddled into the boarding area.

Looking more like the cast of Reno 911!, the three men and three women announced that they were going to check our identifications yet again. The sleepy travelers groaned but dutifully pulled driver's licenses and passports out of their carry-on.

One of them, a chubtastic female officer who's pants must have been designed by the Grinch (they were two sizes too small) was clutching a bottle of liquid and a vial of swabs. Could this be the swabbing we just read about or was she planning on randomly dying somebody's hair?

"I've fallen and I can't face re-election!"

Frank Lautenberg fell yesterday.  He's okay, say the reporters.  He was "joking with doctors."  It's always a good sign when a politician is joking with doctors.  (Of course, when you're a politician, it's not really joking, it's more like a nervous banter, mixed with frantic attempts to make eye contact with any medical professional that comes within ten feet-- because, you know... you just can't be too sure just how this nurse or that surgeon voted in the last election or two and... well, you know... he might not be "with the program!"  (Even Reagan joked with the surgeons as he was being wheeled into surgery for removal of the lead belonging to Mr. Hinckley, "I hope you're all republicans!" he is alleged to have said. We like Reagan's approach-- Go straight to what everyone is thinking... a pre-emptive! Make them feel bad for even harboring any kind of bad thoughts that violate the Hippocratic oath!)

A few weeks/months ago, I decide to get up in Lautenberg's grill a bit by going onto his site and sending along a letter telling him just how determined I was to gouge him out of the senate. (I was all full of piss and vinegar after doing an hour or two of GOTV for Chris Christie.)

They talk the talk, walk the walk...

... and yock the yock.

By that we mean that some of our contributors will be performing at CPAC 2010 on Saturday night. Down there at the bottom of the Friday night agenda, find this:

11:00
XPAC Comedy Night sponsored by Parcbench.com
Washington Rooms 1-4
Speakers: Ellen Karis, Robert George, Ivan Quinones and Jim Mendrinos
Open to all XPAC ticket holders

How cool is that? Some GOPLaughs.com comics are going to be in close proximity to Darrell Issa and Michelle Bachmann and S.E. Cupp and Ed Morrissey and Mike Pence and J.C. Watts and all the people you see on all the talking heads shows.

Dempends!

Posted by Brian McKim

Get back into private life-- with Dempend Undergarments!

Especially for Democrat Reps and Senators up for re-election in November. They seem to be soiling their pants with the release of every new poll!

Ten Things You Didn't Know About The Founding Fathers

Posted By Traci Skene

In today's New York Times Magazine, scholars, pseudo-scholars and marginally educated men with beards who like to wear corduroy jackets with elbow patches attempt to answer the burning question, "How Christian Were the Founders?"

The answer? Not so much. At least I think that was the answer. I couldn't make it past the first 5,000 words without nodding off into my blueberry green tea.

But, hey, if we're going to spend Sunday afternoon rewriting history then here are my contributions to the Founding Fathers smear campaign.

Thomas Jefferson didn't just own slaves, he manufactured them.

James Madison was a devout Scientologist who tried unsucsessfully to have the word "thetans" included in the Constitution.

The American Revolution began as a war over parking tickets.

Samuel Adams invented the internet.

John Hancock wore a metal nose and kept a dwarf as a pet.

Alexander Hamilton held the patent for the first tanning booth and made frequent guest appearances on The Love Boat.

The Signers and the Framers used to play each other in shirts and skins basketball.

Benjamin Franklin coined the term Baby Dad.

John Jay was a noted vegan who started the first "I'd Rather Pay Taxes To England Than Wear Fur" campaign.

John Adams fathered a child with his videographer while his wife, Abigail battled breast cancer.

Green TV

Posted by Ellen Karis

I was flipping through the channels the other day and I'm thinking: You know what show I am jonesing for? A reality show that follows the life of Kirstie Alley. And guess what? I put that energy out there and-- Voila! A&E is debuting this exact show March 10th! Phew! Finally! Something that is intriguing, intellectually stimulating and has never been done before.

I cannot wait to see what Kirstie has been doing all of these years, other than collecting lucrative fees from Jenny Craig to lose weight (only to gain it all back again before the expiration of the contract), making obscene gestures to National Enquirer photographers and starting an imaginary feud with Joy Behar on Twitter.

So move over Snooki, Cindy Margolis and Tila Tequila, television executives have found another creative way to pollute the airwaves by dredging up a sitcom star who made more money from 1985-1995 than the current staff of the Private Equity department at Goldman Sachs will earn in their collective careers.

Official GOPLaughs.com candidate endorsement

Posted by Brian McKim

Is it too early to endorse a candidate for the 2012 presidential race? This guy seems to be polling pretty well. He's within the margin of error!

New Blog of the Week?!

Posted by Brian McKim

Welcome Vodkapundit readers and PJTV viewers!

Note to GOPLaughs.com readers:

Be sure to make it a regular thing to watch PJTV Denver correspondent Stephen Green's (aka Vodkapundit's)The Week in Blogs video!  ("The show that pretends to read all the blogs so you can pretend to be informed!")

This week's edition mentions us!  Right there, at #2, New Blog of the Week, GOPLaughs.com!

While plugging our site, Green takes the opportunity to trash my meager Photoshop skills (see my Obama "Sick of me yet?" mock-up below).

Note to Green: Yes, I do need to take a class... And, just between you, me and the WWW, that was done-- quick and dirty-- on MGI's Photosuite and-- drumroll-- Microsoft Paint!  (That's right-- the lowly MS Windows graphics program that comes free with Windows and hasn't evolved since Windows 3.0!)  Oh, I've got Photoshop... and a nifty book on how to use it... now all I need is about 2,000 hours of free time and I'll have this Photoshop thing DOWN!

Oh, and one more tiny thing: There's one more evil genius behind GOPLaughs.com-- standup comic/writer Jim Mendrinos!

Catch Dem "Drift"-ers

Posted by Robert A. George

WASHINGTON, DC -- After losing an entire week to the one-two punch of the Blizzards of 2010, Democrats find their political plans in total chaos. No work done on a jobs bill (except for Sen. Majority Leader Harry Reid blowing up the bipartisan plan crafted by Max Baucus and Chuck Grassley). And more precious time was also lost on House and Senate Democrats getting their act together on that great health care plan.

In potential crises situations like this, it's important to isolate the appropriate scapegoat.

Realizing that blaming George W. Bush for this might be difficult, Democrats instead took a page from their "Party of No" strategy: They have now chosen to to blame this week's problems on the "Party of Snow."

This isn't to be confused with the previous plan by Democrats that placed responsibility on their inability to produce a bipartisan health care reform plan on the "Party of Snowe" -- when the usually reliable squishy Republican Olympia Snowe of Maine refused to provide a 60th vote on the Baucus health care bill.

"An Insufficient Truth" by Adam Kerr

A film by comedian Adam Kerr. It's a parody of Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth."

Mendrinos, Karis launch radio show at 7 PM EST

Join GOPLaughs co-founder Jim Mendrinos and GOPLaughs regular contributor Ellen Karis for the launch of their new radio show "Right Now with Jim Mendrinos & Ellen Karis" tonight, February 11, at 7:00pm EST at RFCRadio.com,  for "conservative talk with a comic flair."

Pathologies of The Left

Posted by Brian McKim

We made some chicken stock the other day. Our first time. It's easy. You should try it some time. We got the recipe from the internet (of course... our cookbooks are gathering dust ever since we installed our old Sony Vaio in the kitchen and mounted an old LCD screen to the wall).

We found this recipe on JamieOliver.com:

Place the chicken carcasses, garlic, vegetables, herbs and peppercorns in a large, deep-bottomed pan. Add the cold water and bring to the boil, skim, then turn the heat down to a simmer. Continue to simmer gently for 3-4 hours, skimming as necessary, then pass the stock through a fine sieve.

Why bring it up here?  Because, judging from the comments left on the JamieOliver.com site, not even a recipe for chicken stock offers a respite from the pathologies of the left.  See below the fold to see what we're talking about.  Even chicken stock is viewed as destroying the planet!

Weighty Matters

Posted by Traci Skene

At first, I supported Michelle Obama's fight against childhood obesity. But, when she implied chubtastic kids were a threat to national security, I did an eye roll that almost severed an optic nerve.

Said the First Lady with a straight face, "This epidemic also impacts the nation’s security, as obesity is now one of the most common disqualifiers for military service."

So, why doesn't the Pentagon just approve a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy when it comes to weight? Memo to all military physicians: Get rid of the scales.

It works in my house. My husband doesn't ask how much I weigh and I don't tell.

Spotted at the intersection of Hope and Change

Posted by Brian McKim

Smokin' Hashtags: #4WordsOnObamasHand

Posted by Traci Skene

After Sarah Palin was caught reading notes on her hand at the recent Tea Party Convention, lefty comics and journos fired up the joke-o-matic, cranking out "Handgate" and "Hillbilly Palm Pilot" references faster than Obama can send a thrill up and down Chris Matthews' leg.

Leave it up to the right-leaners on Twitter to fight back.

In a hashtag series called #4WordsOnObamasHand, hundreds of Tweeters theorized what Obama might read on his own hand if he ever looked away from his Teleprompter.

#4WordsOnObamasHand Bill Ayers completes me
--HULAgate

#4WordsOnObamasHand Prompter left, right, repeat.
--Vodkapundit

#4WordsOnObamasHand: Lift nose. Higher... Higher!!
--SemperVigilo

#4WordsOnObamasHand make up new czars
--s0meguy

#4WordsOnObamasHand: Please.Bribe Frank.luntz
--TheLivingEnd

#4wordsonobamashand Pelosi, you ignorant slut
--mitrebox:

Naturally, some Obama supporters are not happy.

@joanwalsh Wow, #4wordsonobamashand is dominated by right wing nut jobs, with a splash of racism

and

BariyaIsMe So...I hate the fact that anyone can have Twitter. Some of these people on #4wordsonobamashand shouldnt be let out of their trailer parks

Wow, she hates the fact that anyone can have Twitter? It must feel good to have something in common with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chavez.

Cirque Du Solipsism

Posted by Traci Skene

AP report on French/Swiss rape research

Posted by Brian McKim

Scientists isolate particular portion of "No" that Roman Polanski failed to understand. Swiss authorities reconsider charges based on findings.

Berne (AFP)-- French and Swiss researchers, using knowledge of modern linguistics and state of the art recording and playback technology, have isolated the minute portion of the word "No" that they say might just be the precise part of the word that famed director Roman Polanski didn't understand.

The findings are significant not just for the Polish auteur, but may lead to the reexamination of thousands of other rape case, said the researchers.

GOPLaughs logo ripped off from GOP

Posted by Brian McKim

Oh, sure, we ripped off the GOP logo. But we tweaked it a little... we added an asterisk where the third star should be... or is that the first star?  Perhaps the tweak will get us off the hook from accusations that we are misappropriating The Official Elephant Logo (Federal Trademark Registration 1908397).

We're probably looking at a cease and desist letter somewhere down the line... or are we? Seems that back in July of 2008, Politico.com reported that the RNC went after Cafe Press for selling shirts and other items adorned with the Official Elephant Logo(OEL).  A minor controversy ensued.

Aren't we immune to such legal harassment?  After all, we're "on their side" sort of... after all, we're coming from the right... so shouldn't the boys at the RNC look kindly upon us?  Not so fast.  From the Politico.com article:

Ironically, the pro-Republican shirts could more plausibly be subject to the claim they're "diluting" the GOP brand and could be mistaken for products of the committee itself.

On a site with the dubious (and, to some, perhaps somewhat sexual) name of Answerbag.com, came the revelation that the stars in the Official Elephant Logo are not upside down, but leaning to the right. Get it? They lean to the right! Clever or what?

Not clever enough for some folks.

Unbeknownst to us, the OEL is a source of great controversy all by itself. Apparently, Bush Derangement Syndrome has tiny, hairlike roots in the affliction known as Official Elephant Logo Derangement Syndrome. Evidence of the contagion is found in the comments following the seemingly innocent inquiry on Answerbag.com, "Why are the stars on the GOP logo upside down?":

After the GOP changed their logo, some people asked themselves about the reasons and found out that the five-pointed stars pointing down could be interpreted as a satanic symbol...

Here an interesting discussion about this issue:

Note: We deliberately left out the link. Because there can be no "interesting discussion" about the OEL being interpreted as a satanic symbol. Just as there can be no truth to the claim that one second of one minute of Art Bell's "Coast to Coast AM" can contain one millisecond of "interesting discussion." Give it up, people. They're stars. They lean to the right.

Perhaps our favorite commenter, "shaman," contributed the following (it helps if you read it in the voice of the white-haired dude who confronts Neo at the end of Matrix Reloaded):

There are no accidents when it comes to designing emblems, logos, heralds and the like. To start with, the GOP logo is not dignified nor even interesting but rather sterile and boring, as are most corporate logos, lacking any character whatsoever...

And then, we fell asleep and dreamed of shaman being buried up to his neck in loose sand, his face smeared with tuna oil and a passel of feral cats released while a stack of Marshall amps blared "Stars and Stripes Forever" just behind him.

We think it's a fine logo. It ain't now Sherwin-Williams "Cover The Earth," but it still gets the point across.

Hey, the DNC's logo ain't no great shakes--

Kinda reminds us of the diving horse in Atlantic City. Is that wishful thinking? (More importantly, do I date myself?)

We guess that he's all spunky and kicking and hee-hawing his way to bigger government and higher taxes.

Background: In 1828, Andrew Jackson gets flak for his "Let the people rule" slogan. They label him a "jackass." Jackson, in a clever and brilliantly self-effacing move, uses the jackass as his logo, and later uses the donkey during his presidency to symbolize his "stubbornness when he vetoed re-chartering the National Bank." So says the DNC's official site. Has the Democrat party ever once been that clever and self-effacing since? Probably not. In fact, they've been the complete opposite.

So... It's time the Dems got a new symbol. One that is recognizable and one that explains what they're all about while acknowledging their foibles. Just like Andy Jackson. (Hey... he's on the $20, right? He must know something.)

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you the new Democrat Party logo:

It's an automatic sprinkler! It's perfect! It's just like nearly everything the party proposes-- It's expensive to install... it's usually mandatory... it's time-consuming to implement. It's the perfect visual metaphor for the party's policies. And if you've ever seen one of these sprinkler systems go off accidentally, you know what a mess it makes! Oh, sure, if there's a real fire, it'll save lives and maybe even some property. But if Tyler down in Accounting happens to set the trash can in his cubicle on fire, the entire office will get soaked! Plenty of overtime for the entire firm just trying to decipher soaked invoices this weekend!

Party faithful could wear The Sprinkler Pin-- "It says, 'I mean well, but oy! can I make a mess just trying to fix things!'"

In the old days, if Tyler in Accounting sets the trash can in his cubicle on fire, Robert the Republican in the next cubicle will toss a can of caffiene-free Diet Dr. Pepper on it. Problem solved. Not so any more. We long for the old days.

Note to shaman: Spare us the link to Automatic Sprinkler Systems: Facts and Myths. We're going for the joke here.

Further note: Okay, it kinda looks like a vagina... but that's a bonus! Gotta go for the youth vote! (And it's a heckuva lot more life-affirming than "Vote or Die!")

Coming Soon!